In a previous post, I explained how my test subjects, er esteemed colleagues, and I were about to embark on an investigation of miracles. We wanted to know if they could be proven and whether we mere mortals could perform them. I’m happy to present our findings and results in this report.
Since there are so many miracles suggested to have been performed by the Christian Messiah, we decided to choose one of his to investigate. Specifically, we chose the one where he turned water into wine for a wedding feast. I couldn’t be more pleased to say that it can be done and that we have successfully been able to duplicate it! However, rather than wine, we created some generic spirits. In so doing, we also disproved the fear that I had built my new test lab on haunted grounds. It was the experiment itself that was creating all the unexplained phenomena we experienced during it’s run. Big relief for me because it’s hard to find a qualified exorcist these days and I was able to send all the spirits home with their test subjects. The lab is quiet and uneventful once more, now that the experiment is concluded.
A big thank you to all my esteemed colleagues who took some precious time out from their highly prestigious learning institutions to participate in this study. Points shall now be awarded them for their work in this highly controversial experiment, along with photographic documentation of their work. Since this was such an exhaustively researched experiment it will be presented in two parts. Part 1 documents our findings as they pertain to the experiment. Part 2 will explore mishaps and lessons learned – to be posted tomorrow. Please try to remain mature about this and open-minded. Also, do not feel it necessary to mention the phallic looking nature of the results as we are quite aware of what they look like when they do not have their arms extended. We can’t change what we’ve discovered and must report it as it appears.
From a bank of 50,000 points for each test subject, the following is awarded:
• To Sian Holtom of the Transylvanian Divinity School, 50,000 points for successfully conjuring this spirit from water. When it first appeared, we all noticed that it resembled a birth control device, but by the time we all passed around the eye bleach, it had taken on a better shape.
• To Melissa Mouzin-Bennett of the All Saints Vacation Bible School, 50,000 points for conjuring this faceless, yet fully formed spirit. Once he was completely materialized, we all noted how well formed he was and so much less phallic-looking.
• To Sal Cousins of The Atlantic Para-Abnormal Society, 40,000 points for her initial conjuring of a spirit and 9,999 bonus points for going on to conjure up the spirit of a Geisha girl.
• To Betty Lewis of Little’s Large Consortium of Mediums, 34,000 points for conjuring this slightly bewildered looking spirit and bonus 15,999 points for continuing on to conjure up this ghastly grouping of ghosties.
• To Danielle Whisenhunt of the Seance Scientific Institute, 49,999 points for her conjuration of this perfectly formed set of spirits. They are named Gaby and Lola (sparkly).
• To Samantha Richardson of DeVine’s Divine School of Divinity, 49,997 points for her conjuration of this cute little ghost, plus 2 bonus points for capturing him on film mid-scream.
• To Alicia Davey of the Ouija Planning Board, 49,000 points for successfully conjuring this tiny, yet perfectly formed, spirit and bonus points of 999 for being the youngest test subject to attempt and successfully complete an experiment.
• To Mandj Henson of Crystal’s Gazing Ball School, 48,959 points for conjuring this spirit and 40 bonus points for discovering the what was behind the eerie glowing face we witnessed when the power went out in the lab! Additional 1,000 points for summoning this pumpkin spirit!
• To Terry Spears of Unexplained University, 45,000 points for conjuring these interesting spirits, and an additional 4,999 bonus points for discovering the unusual blacklight coloring of the one specimen and the Stay-Puft hand puppet sized one (she was watching Ghost Busters during the experiment, obviously). You can see why my concern for the overcrowding of the lab was becoming serious.
• To Susie T. Homemaker of Charms and Chants Community College, 44,000 points for capturing this perfectly formed specimen, and an additional 5,999 bonus points for the unusual shading and it’s difficulty in capturing on film.
• To Rhonda Provost of the Good God Montessori School, 43,000 points for conjuring this adorable little ghostie. He turned out to be another spirit with an affinity for “spirits.” She also earns bonus 6,999 points for discovering what the stabby noises were that were coming from the lab. And yes, stabby noises sound exactly how you would imagine them to.
• To Colleen Keller of Holier Than Thou Theologians, 45,000 points for conjuring this little guy, who turned out to be an evil spirit! Bonus points of 4,999 awarded for also summoning a spirit who must have been a hero in a past life.
• To Donna Walker of Our Lady of the Upturned Bathtub, 49,000 points plus 999 bonus points for discovering that the ghosts were multiplying somehow. We don’t know this happens yet and didn’t have time to research it as it was out of the scope for this experiment. We do however, believe that alcohol had a part in it. And it was about this time that I started to be concerned about the maximum capacity in the lab.
• To Dreamcatcher Meaella of the E.S.P and Telekenetic Online University, 42,999 points for conjuring this green-eyed beauty of a spirit and 7,000 bonus points for the additional conjuring of a famous character spirit!
• To Terri Swallow of the I.C.U. Psychic Association, 49,999 points for summoning this perfectly formed ghost who may have actually been a poltergeist. He kept casting a particularly creepy shadow! Also, his mouth reminds me of a Peanuts character, but I’m not sure any of them have passed on from our world.
• To Dottie Lou Crisp of Exorcisms ‘R’ Us, 48,999 points for conjuring this wonderful specimen. Also bonus 1,000 points for SPARKLES!!!!
• To Fatima Rosales Nayes of Hooks and Halos, 49,499 points for conjuring this blood spurting spirit. 500 bonus points for discovering that keeping a cactus nearby your workspace, kept the spirits from engaging in poltergeist activities!
• To Vimi Lomax of the Miracle Performing Bootician Beauty Acadamy, 40,000 points for this beautifully formed ghost, whom she named Misty. 9,999 bonus points for catching her levitating on film! (and screaming or yawning – we couldn’t figure out which).
• To Ilse Vanwijnsberghe of Spirit Fingers Cheering and Conjuring College, 49,999 points for this heroic dragon-slaying ghost!
• To Claire Knowland of the University of Screamix Online Ewniversity, 48,999 points for this snazzy dressing spirit, named Maliboo. 1,000 bonus points for figuring out what the rattling noises at night were (it was the ice maker).
• To Susan Malloy Hernandez of the Theological School for Boos and Ghouls, 49,999 points for conjuring this creepy Carrie-esque looking ghost. We all thought the buck-fanged teeth were cute and no worries about all the blood. Head wounds always look worse than they are.
• To Kathryn Sawyer of the Poultry and Poltergeist Kitchen, 40,000 points for this spirit with character! Additional 9,999 points for bowtie and fez because, well just because fezzes are cool!
• To Amanda Ledlow of St. John The Booptist Ministerial School, 49,999 points for Maisy, this cute little surprised spirit!
• To Jennifer Harden Lucas of Seers ‘n’ Spellers, 49,999 points for this unholy trinity of spirits.
• To Danielle CrochetChick Card of Revelations Psychic Correspondence College, 24,999.5 points for each of these feminine spirits. We determined they were soul-sisters!
• To Rebekah Clayton of the Academy of the Unhowly Trinity, 50,000 points for conjuring a blue and a red ghost and continuing on to refine her experiment even more (into actual wine and not just generic spirits) as follows:
• To Julie Tomlinson of the School of Hard Knocks and Bumps in the Night, 48,500 for conjuring this cute little spirit and a bonus of 1,499 for catching him on film. This one was particularly difficult as he kept hiding but was obviously interested in seeing what we were doing.
• To Amore Brison of Haunted Halls, 49,999 points for this extroverted spirit who took his own selfie when nobody else was in the lab!
•To Faye Luminescence Lamb of Holy Roller – Lucky Dice Divinity School, 49,999 points for this pair of conjoined spirits. Perhaps they were conjoined due to the full moon? We aren’t exactly positive about that. Poor Faye suffered through a case of Gaugeous Constrictapus before she recovered and was able to conjure up the horned and hairy pair! We’re glad she suffered through without any permanent damage.
•To Sharon Knits of the Light at the End of the Tunnel Research Institute, 49,999 points for summoning this adorable spirit. Apparently the gene gnome she extracted in a previous experiment took a strong liking to him and we are wondering if this also had anything to do with the overcrowded conditions and multiplying of the spirits in the lab.
• To Julia Riley Kupas of OmniScience and OmniPotions Tehnologies, 49,999 points for summoning this fashion driven ghost, shown here modeling a halo and a Smurfette hat. We think she is the spirit of a child who was getting excited about Halloween.
• To Shelley Garrett of the School of the Scared Covenant (“Scared” is not a typo in this instance), 50,000 points for this miraculous capture of a spirit turning into wine. On closer examination, we found the wool of this spirit was hand-dyed. Shelley’s hands also experienced the same miracle.